10 things they can do that require zero talent
By Kirsten Jones, peak performance and sports parenting coach
“I’m pretty sure the coach just doesn’t like my daughter,” was the opening statement this mom led with when she asked for help.
“What makes you think that?” I gently probed.
“Well, April is the best player on the team, but the coach refuses to play her,” the mom quickly retorted.
Little did the mom know, I had already spoken with the coach because I was working with April’s 16-1’s club team. The coach had offered some top line callouts of what the team needed to work on:
Thinking of themselves as a team that can win tournaments:
- Consistency in play
- Dealing with pressure
- Owning their process
When I spoke with the coach about individual needs, she mentioned April specifically. “She’s a talented athlete, but she doesn’t give consistent energy or effort in practice, which means I can’t play her during matches. I really like her as a kid and I WANT to play her. If she would just do the ‘little things,’ she could break into the lineup. But April thinks she’s better than she is, and that is impacting her play time.”
As a peak performance and sports parenting coach who works with coaches, athletes, and parents, I often hear variations of this story. As parents we, of course, want what’s best for our kid, but occasionally we get caught up in defending them instead of pushing them outside of their comfort zone. It’s a challenge to figure out if the parent’s statement is true or if the coach’s version is more accurate? Or, perhaps, it’s somewhere in the middle.
Does the coach indeed dislike the athlete? Or is there a gap between the expectations and communication between coach and athlete that leads to frustration and, ultimately, venting to their parent(s)?
As a former DI volleyball player who is now a parent, volleyball club coach and also a mindset coach, I’ve been on all sides of this equation. Most coaches I work with don’t dislike their players. However, are some coaches incredibly strict and set high standards? Absolutely. Are all coaches great communicators who are able to help their young athletes navigate the ups and downs of a practice, much less an entire eight month season? Not necessarily. They, too, are human and are sometimes neither equipped nor available to help beyond the X’s and O’s. Or perhaps they may be dealing with something no one on the team even knows about and thus aren’t coaching from a place of strength and empowerment.
What I do know is that most coaches (for ages 14+ up) want to see their teams not only grow throughout the season, but they also want to win, so they go with their most competitive lineup during qualifiers. Coaches are looking for reasons to put you in. But it doesn’t only happen after one good practice. There is a cumulative effect.
Here are some FREE ways to separate yourself from the pack. This is a quick and easy exercise I love to do with athletes. We can’t improve our performance until we own our process.
The first step is to self-assess. Athletes: Rank yourself (on a scale of 0-10) on each of the below. What score would you honestly give yourself right now in each of these attributes – 10 things that require zero talent:
- Being on time
- Work ethic
- Effort
- Body language
- Energy
- Attitude
- Passion
- Being coachable
- Doing extra
- Being prepared
Once you’ve completed step one, step two is to rank your future self. Pretend we’re meeting again in six months. How would you rank your future self on a 0-10 scale? Where are the biggest areas for improvement? Where are you already strong and would like to continue on this trajectory?
It’s good to compare your “current self” to your “future self” because one can quickly realize the only thing keeping you from your future “10” self are the decisions you’re making today before, during and after practice.
I recently did this exercise with April’s 16’s team in Los Angeles. The discussion that followed is what made it powerful. Helping our athletes learn to self-assess (both on and off the court) is one of the best life skills we can teach them.
I remember when my kids were little. After a long summer day of getting through tantrums, meltdowns and naps, I had daydreams of getting to sit by the side of the pool while my kids swam independently. I recall drooling at other moms who were sitting there reading their magazine or even taking a nap while their tweens and teens ran off unattended. Similar to the skills of swimming and being safe around water that we taught them as adolescents, we must also model for them that evaluating their own behaviors, which are within their control (mostly), is helpful in ultimately getting what they want.
I asked the mom how much April had advocated for herself with the coach. “Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “She complains in the car ride home. I mostly listen, but I really want to speak to the coach. Do you think that’s a good idea?”
“Start by asking April to reach out to the coach herself,” I responded. “She should ask for specific, measurable feedback as to why she’s not playing. If she wants to play as much as she’s telling you she does, ask how she is approaching this. Is she on time? Getting extra reps? How’s her attitude and energy before, during and after practice? Go through the list of 10 one by one and challenge her to own her process.”
In a few years, when she’s no longer playing volleyball, the court time memories will soften, but the life skills she picked up along the way, she gets to take those with her forever. And that is one of the greatest gifts of youth sports.
We aren’t creating athletes only for the podium. We are raising athletes for life.
For more about Kirsten Jones, go to www.kirstenjonesinc.com.
