All of us coaches want to win more games, have the respect and approval of our players and are hopeful that players will speak well of us when talking to parents or other people about their experiences playing for us.
Quite often, coaches will read blogs like this to get drill ideas or game strategies that will help their teams win. In this case, I will emphasize the importance of skillful empathy as a way to gain the trust and respect of players and ultimately win more matches. Empathy is the ability to truly understand what players are feeling and be able to share in their emotional experience. Some coaches have it. Some, painfully, do not. Others can develop it as a valuable skill in the toolbox.
As an example, let’s say a player is having a tough time with passing. Looking that player right in the eyes and saying, “I get it. Those are some tough serves. Even national team players shank balls. Let’s keep working at it. I will help you.” This is better than the more common response that puts stress, pressure and accountability on the player and is often counter-productive.
Maybe this same player showed notable serving improvement that day. After practice, we could say, “Nice job with that serving progress. Really impressive!” She is waiting for you to say, “But we really need your passing to improve,” and you skillfully don’t even mention it. As a result, she leaves practice with a smile and is not dwelling as much on her passing woes.
Another player has had some bad circumstances. Maybe her boyfriend broke up with her or a grandparent passed away. She is in a hitting drill that requires X number of kills, and she is struggling. If you calmly walk by and say, “I like how you’re hanging in there today. I am with you on how you’re feeling,” it shows a level of understanding and concern that she will appreciate. Plus, other members of the team will recognize that you are sensitive and care, which has tremendous value.
In a post-match team meeting after a loss, showing empathy can be a huge factor in building trust and having players truly want to come back strong and work even harder for you. As opposed to an immediate critique of all the specifics that led to the result, sometimes it can be highly effective to share in the experience with them. “I get that we are all hurting now. I know we all wanted to do better. We all care about each other, and these games mean a lot to all of us. I know you are all competitive and determined and, as your coach, I really want you to know that I share in how you are feeling now. It hurts for sure, and that’s only natural from players who work as hard as you do.”
Some coaches lack the emotional intelligence to have empathy for players and are often more interested in sharing their own feelings than expressing the all-important emotional connection with their team. Some killer phrases that stick with players longer than we realize are “I am really disappointed in you,” or “That was embarrassing.” We cannot get these statements back, and they create a lingering emotional distance between a coach and players. When a frustrated coach says, “I just don’t know what else to do with you,” this is communicating to the team that you do not have the skillset to help them. We may think everything is OK and back to normal the next day in practice, but these statements can take their toll on the trust and respect that players have for their coach. As opposed to separating yourself from the team’s performance, it can be more effective to say, “I am all in with you. I am going to work hard to give you what you need. We are in this together.”
By showing a high degree of empathy to our players, it communicates that we sincerely care, which has value in itself. Additionally, when players feel cared for and trust the coach, they will work harder in practice and will be more tuned in to executing scouting reports. This immensely increases the team’s ability to reach full potential. One of the strongest statements players make about a coach they trust is: “Coach has my back, no matter what.”
So, here is our challenge. Let’s say we are playing a team and all factors are fairly equal. Over time, we have built up trust with our players by showing them how much we understand and care about how they are feeling on and off the court. By winning the “empathy battle” over the other coach, you tip the scales with something you can control and significantly influence your team’s chances of winning. The result: Players feel cared for, and you get a victory. Sounds like a win-win.
Shelton Collier is an AVCA Hall of Fame coach who has a career record of 1,150-301 in college volleyball. He is one of only 13 coaches in the history of the women’s college game to win more than 1,000 matches. From 2002 to 2022, he coached Wingate University to a 553-90 record. Before Wingate, he coached 20 years at the DI level at Pitt and Georgia Tech. He also served as the head coach of several USA Junior National and Youth National teams at World Championship events.
